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Only clean jokes please

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Helen
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Helen on Wed 03 Aug 2011, 10:47 pm

The pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks 'can you help with my hearing' The pope say's yes and puts his hands over Billy's ears he then prays, removes his hands and asks 'how is your hearing now?'

Billy say's I don't know it's not till next Wednesday.
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Helen
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Helen on Wed 03 Aug 2011, 10:49 pm

A nurse walks into a bank exhausted after a 20 hour shift, she pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to sign a cheque with it, she looks at the cashier and says 'Well bloody great some arsehole has got my pen'
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Helen
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Helen on Wed 03 Aug 2011, 10:54 pm

A woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar in Dublin, she raised her right arm revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked 'what man here will buy a lady a drink?' down at the end of the bar an old drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink' the bar tender approached the drunk and said 'tell me Paddy it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why are you calling her a ballerina?' the drunk replied 'any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
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Helen
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Helen on Wed 03 Aug 2011, 10:57 pm

I asked my wife do you think your mother would prefer River Dance or something more Fred Astiarish she replied, I think she would prefer it if you stayed off her grave altogether you sick B^&*((^^*RD
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Helen
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Helen on Wed 03 Aug 2011, 11:04 pm

Two women talking 'Do you look at your husbands face when you have sex?' woman replies 'I did once and he looked really angry!'

'Why angry?'

reply 'He was watching from outside the window'
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 09 Aug 2011, 6:21 pm

Not as good as the wet suit ebay auction but read the description unless your the steve in question

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 09 Aug 2011, 6:23 pm

Penguins


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will

mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

around the fresh grave and sing:










"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



"Then they kick him in the ice hole."



You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?



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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 09 Aug 2011, 6:27 pm

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 09 Aug 2011, 6:35 pm

Paddy goes on who wants to be a millionaire gets the £64000 question right and listens to the next one
Right pady which of these ronnies was a great train robber

Ronnie barker
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie biggs

Pady thinks and answers i will take the money,Chris tarrant says come on pady you cant lose you have three lives left,i know that says pady ime not stupid but ime not a grass either
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Wed 10 Aug 2011, 4:35 pm

Honestly I don't know what the world is coming to these days, I was sat in church the other day and the bloke sat next to me lit a cigarette!!!


I was so shocked I nearly dropped my beer
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 10 Aug 2011, 4:46 pm

its like the catholic that went to confession the first time in 20years,by god he said as he entered the confessional box this has changed,bear, cigars and a tv,just then the priest said get out of there that's my side.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 11 Aug 2011, 3:23 pm

Bet you can read this

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mni d deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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Tow Itch
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Location : Leigh Gtr Manchester

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Sat 13 Aug 2011, 4:39 pm

Mike

Seeing your fondness for BMWs.
Apparently this is a Genuine BMW add, but I'm a bit confused with english languge in a German ad.

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carl

Posts : 69
Join date : 2011-06-14
Location : Cumbria

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by carl on Sat 13 Aug 2011, 7:04 pm





SENIOR EYE EXAM


Do you need glasses??

Look carefully at the picture below.

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Did you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?





If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked...








that is the armpit of the girl holding the camera.

My appointment is at 2pm tomorrow . . .
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:02 pm

Think i will stick with my first thought Carl Very Happy
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:03 pm

Your a funny lot you women nancy just said to me if you win the lottery will you still love me,



Of course i will i answered i will miss you but still love you.
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:11 pm

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:13 pm

have you ever wondered ......



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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Eilis
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Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:15 pm

10 games for old age

1.)Sag, You're it
2.)Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3.)20 questions shouted into your good ear
4.)Kick the bucket
5.)Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6.)Doc Goose
7.)Simon says something incoherent
8.)Hide and go pee
9.)Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.)Musical recliners
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:17 pm

Jesus Saves!!

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:19 pm

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."
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Eilis
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Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Mon 15 Aug 2011, 6:30 pm

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 20 Aug 2011, 6:11 pm

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 25 Aug 2011, 3:55 pm

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned Sixty -Five).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..

'Then, why do you even give a damn?'
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 30 Aug 2011, 8:05 am

Please read this to the end,just love it

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Re: Only clean jokes please

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