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Only clean jokes please

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 30 Aug 2011, 12:48 pm

mike wrote:Please read this to the end,just love it

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i really love this one, it's so funny wish i had been there when he bumped into the marines lmao
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 5:37 pm

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque
books.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 5:44 pm

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list..

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 5:48 pm

Mary had a little skirt,
With slits right up the sides,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt,
With a slit right up the front,

..... but she never wore that one.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 5:54 pm

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found

Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that

Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, a New York team of Archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have

concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the Irish authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Ireland paddy, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing

paddy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 5:58 pm

Click near the mans head

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 6:00 pm

A woman is sitting on the veranda with her husband drinking wine.

She says "I love you".


He says, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"


She replies..."It's me, talking to the wine."
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 6:00 pm

I don't understand the point of lap-dancing clubs.

If I wanted a woman to take all my money and leave me sexually frustrated, I'd stay at home with the missus!

bilbo

Posts : 20
Join date : 2011-07-18
Age : 72
Location : Littleborough,Lancashire.

Only clean jokes please

Post by bilbo on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 6:31 pm

Man sits down in a public toilets and a voice comes from the next cubicle
"Hello mate,how are you doing?" I thought it strange but did'nt want to appear
rude so I said "Not too bad thanks"
After a short pause I heard the voice again,"so, what are you up to?"
I answered somewhat reluctantly,"Just having a quick crap, how about yourself?"
Then I heard him say, Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back,I've got some idiot in the next cubicle answering everything I say.
Bilbo.

bilbo

Posts : 20
Join date : 2011-07-18
Age : 72
Location : Littleborough,Lancashire.

Only clean jokes please

Post by bilbo on Wed 31 Aug 2011, 7:05 pm

Yardie gangsta driving his brand new top of the range BMW and decides to pull
over for a breath of fresh air and a bus crashes into his door ripping it off its
hinges. when the police arrive the jamaican said, "Star, de man jus rip de door
offa me bran new bimma"
The policeman replied,"You Yardies are so materialistic, your're so worried about
your car door,you've not even realised your hand's been ripped off as well."The
jamaican looks at his amputated hand and screams...."BLOODCLAAT, ME ROLEX!"
Bilbo.

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 2:35 pm



An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'


All Seniors Aren't Senile
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 2:40 pm


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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 2:57 pm

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,

And every year Ed would say,

" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied,

" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,

" Norma, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied,

" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Ed replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Norma fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 2:59 pm

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many
people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the
cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David
and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 4:36 pm

GOT TO LOVE THE IRISH!!!!!

Drink Orders...

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to the States from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 4:43 pm

THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY, VERY HARD TO READ, ABOUT TWO BROTHERS WHO WERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH. IT'S A STORY OF LIFE & DEATH, AND THE CRUEL TWIST OF FATE.

IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR YOUR HEART AND TOUCH YOUR SOUL.









Keep scrolling down......






















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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 5:04 pm

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH TOMORROW.

THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING, SEXY "OLD" PEOPLE.

I'M JUST POSTING YOU THIS TO SAY GOODBYE.

I've got to pack.

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 01 Sep 2011, 5:18 pm

Quotes about sex

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia



"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson



"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think
Barbara had a sense of humor)



"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

Billy Crystal



"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman



"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties! up whom."

Joan Rivers



"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin



" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips
!


" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns



bilbo

Posts : 20
Join date : 2011-07-18
Age : 72
Location : Littleborough,Lancashire.

Only clean jokes please

Post by bilbo on Fri 02 Sep 2011, 8:55 am

Paddy gets a job painting white lines on the motorway, the first day he paints
15 miles,the second day 8 miles and the third day he only paints 1 mile.
The gaffer says " what the hells going on,when you first started you were great
and now you're crap?" And Paddy say's, "Well the buckets getting farther away."
Bilbo.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 02 Sep 2011, 2:12 pm

A sing-a-long......Remember the tune 'My favourite things' from The Sound of Music ??

Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When I'm feeling bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads. Hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,
Weak bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings .....
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel......so bad.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 02 Sep 2011, 2:25 pm

It's a good exercise even if you are not 50 yet.

Pass to all 50 yrs. And older




Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise


The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise

program!









Scroll Down .





































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
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In response to emails about my dog

Post by mike on Sat 10 Sep 2011, 8:30 am

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a taxi driver.

















FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 10 Sep 2011, 3:46 pm

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muzzy

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Age : 34
Location : Laurencekirk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by muzzy on Sat 10 Sep 2011, 6:23 pm

mike wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

that was exellent haven't laugh so much in ages. now wonder when that will be introduced in britan?
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 10 Sep 2011, 6:39 pm

muzzy wrote:
mike wrote:[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

that was exellent haven't laugh so much in ages. now wonder when that will be introduced in britan?

Dont hold your breath Very Happy

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Re: Only clean jokes please

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