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Only clean jokes please

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mike
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Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 27 Jun 2011, 5:52 pm

SMART ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated
in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came
up that read " Low Bridge Ahead.."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got
stuck under it..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The
policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and
said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of diesel!"

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of
tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart- chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and
asked ,"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to
laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I
would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 27 Jun 2011, 5:56 pm


.IDIOT SIGHTING #1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave
The clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty
Pence piece
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but
They could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING #2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us
That one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
motor
On the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park ,Nr Watford
UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on
our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think
This is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar , Herts , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She
asked
The person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From South Oxhey Herts , UK ...

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport
Employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
Knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport ... UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I
Was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'
She is a Local County Counciller employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK

IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our
Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service
Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers
Side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
Handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK .

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... And the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT
TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!

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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 27 Jun 2011, 5:58 pm

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
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Helen
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Helen on Wed 29 Jun 2011, 7:47 am

On a summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 05 Jul 2011, 4:38 pm

A bloke gets a job at London Zoo, first day he's told to clean out the Pirahna tank, however he knocks one of the overhead lights into the water and electrocutes the lot. Oh my God what do I do with a tank full of dead Pirahna, I know I'll feed them to the Lions that will get rid of the evidence. The following day he's told to clean out the Chimp enclosure and cut the grass, while he's doing this he manages to mow a Chimp down. Oh no now what I'll be sacked he thinks, but no, he takes the dead Chimp and feeds it to the Lions. Day 3 He's in the insect house when he manages to drop an african bee hive into his mop bucket, rather than try and save the hive he uses his mop to smash it and the drowning bees to pieces. Now what he thinks, OK its off to the Lions for them. The following day a new female Lioness is introduced to the existing pride, while chatting with her new mates she asks whats the food like here. Not bad replies the male, lately we've had Fish, Chimps, and mushy bees.
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 06 Jul 2011, 6:42 pm

You know its time to give up driving





when your dog looks like this

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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 06 Jul 2011, 6:44 pm

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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 06 Jul 2011, 6:45 pm

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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 10 Jul 2011, 7:23 am

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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 10 Jul 2011, 8:14 am

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Sun 10 Jul 2011, 8:17 am

mike wrote:The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil


love it!!
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 10 Jul 2011, 1:38 pm

Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Chelsea.

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for the orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.

Kate Middleton says to the Queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?" Queen replies "Wear a seatbelt and don't p*ss me off."


Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class satisfy him . I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of bum hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a monkeys, he's still going.

What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just had sex with the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of tosh. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life story. I've just seen the trailer.

Now Eddie Stobart's dead they've found out that he was HGV positive..

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. “I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days - why don't you answer the bloody phone?”. Girl replies, “Those are our opening times you fool”.

Today in an opinion poll I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said 'Chinese or the Russians.' Apparently most people said the 10,000 metre

Some bugger's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 10 Jul 2011, 1:48 pm

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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:40 pm

What should you give a woman who has everything?













A man to show her how to work it.
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:41 pm

How many men does it take to open a beer?
















None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:42 pm

How do you know when woman is about to say something smart?













When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
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Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:43 pm

And last but not least

Women will never be equal to men..











Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Eilis
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Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 52
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:44 pm

you havin a bad day at home then Mike lol!
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:47 pm

Eilis wrote:you havin a bad day at home then Mike lol!

Never i married the right women but dont tell her lol!
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Eilis
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Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 52
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:49 pm

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

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Eilis
Dandy Owner

Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 52
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:50 pm

An old man and woman were married for years and years even though they hated each other. When they had an argument, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. Repeatedly a threat was heard from the old man against his wife. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

It was believed that the old man practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and he enjoyed the respect it garnished.

The old man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme when her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

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Eilis
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Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 52
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:52 pm

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

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Eilis
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Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 52
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:54 pm

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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Eilis
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Posts : 1458
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 52
Location : Lowestoft, Suffolk

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 4:55 pm

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
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mike
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Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 5:17 pm

Bert 72 years old goes to the doctors for his check up taking his wife Doris with him,now Bert is going deaf so he needs Doris to go in with him,after the physical the doctor says i will need a urine,sperm,and stool sample to complete my tests,Bert says to Doris what did he say, Doris replys he said he wants your underpants.


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Re: Only clean jokes please

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