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Only clean jokes please

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mike
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Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 29 Oct 2012, 5:49 pm

After a long night of making love, the guy

notices a photo of another man, on the woman's

nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.



'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.



'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him



'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.



'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his

ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,

hoping to be reassured.



'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.



'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear



'That's me before the surgery.' ....
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mike
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Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 07 Nov 2012, 3:38 pm

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved
forwards then backwards. ....

Forwards then backwards. ....
Back and forth...
back and forth...
In and out, in and out....

Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!...I CANT
park the ******* car!

You do it then you SMUG B*STARD!"

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mike
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Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 18 Nov 2012, 7:20 am

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey......

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.


She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mother to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.


"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.


"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
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Caz1960

Posts : 1716
Join date : 2011-09-04
Age : 58
Location : Cardigan west wales

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Sun 18 Nov 2012, 6:13 pm

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mike
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Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 19 Nov 2012, 1:12 pm

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."


He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"


Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
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mike
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Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 22 Nov 2012, 12:05 pm

DRINKING & DRIVING !

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As
You well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the
Authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a
Few too many beverages and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.


I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

HIDEHI

Posts : 152
Join date : 2012-07-28
Age : 67
Location : Anglesey

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by HIDEHI on Thu 22 Nov 2012, 5:10 pm

lol what you like Laughing on your safe jurney
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 22 Nov 2012, 6:12 pm

Or the other version

After my last good session I tried using a bus, but the number 3 was parked right at the back of the garage! Has to move 10 other busses to get it out:(
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 26 Nov 2012, 5:07 pm

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted love! They're coming for Christmas - and the best part is, they're paying their own fare!!
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Caz1960

Posts : 1716
Join date : 2011-09-04
Age : 58
Location : Cardigan west wales

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Mon 26 Nov 2012, 5:46 pm

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mike
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Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
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Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 29 Nov 2012, 5:04 am

A touching love story



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This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?”She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.She replied, "6."The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 01 Dec 2012, 3:51 am

"Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years.

You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician Michael Jackson.

My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.



I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
David Cameron, Nick Clegg, George Osborne, Alex Salmond and John Bercow
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 02 Dec 2012, 4:09 pm

Paddy says to Murphy "Have you seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable, said Murphy, I can't believe they all had the same name!"
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 03 Dec 2012, 12:36 pm

"mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"No, flush it like everyone else"


I just bought a dog from the blacksmith in the village.

As soon as i got it home it made a bolt for the door.


Police have found an explosive device taped to a stack of alphabet soup tins in Tesco's. They said if it goes off it could spell disaster.


police have found a man stabbed to death with a weetabix, they believe they are looking for a cereal killer

a man drowned in a bowl of museli - the inquest found that it was likely that a strong currant pulled him under


I was at a cash machine the other day and the little old lady in front of me was really struggling and asked me if I'd check her balance.

Felt really bad!!! I only gave her a little shove and she went flying!!!


An ice cream vendor was today found dead in his van. The body was covered in raspberry syrup, coconut and hundreds and thousands. Police believe he topped himself.
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 03 Dec 2012, 1:10 pm

Paddy & his wife were discussing their sex life. "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight" he said. "What the hell is that?'' asked his wife. "You bend over, hands on the floor, I pick your legs up and we have sex" said Paddy. She says,"I'll do it on two conditions. 1. If it hurts, you stop straight away & 2. make sure we don't go past my mum's house.
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 14 Dec 2012, 11:15 am

husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading






when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"sh*t."




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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 19 Dec 2012, 3:53 pm

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Owd Lad

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Age : 65
Location : Kirkcudbright

Quick one!

Post by Owd Lad on Sat 22 Dec 2012, 1:49 pm

A Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making landmines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof !

Steve
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mike
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Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
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Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 22 Dec 2012, 4:19 pm

Credit to Les & June for posting this on ukcampsite,not all exactly true but amusing Very Happy

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES


* Pasta had not been invented.

* Curry was a surname.

* Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

* Spices came from the Middle East where they were used
for embalming

* Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

* A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

* A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

* Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

* The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas,
carrots and cabbage,

* All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was
whether to put the salt on or not.

* Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and
brown sauce if we were lucky.

* Soft drinks were called pop.

* Coke was something that we put on the fire.

* A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

* Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

* A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

* A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

* A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

* Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

* Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

* Bread and jam was a treat.

* Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

* Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

* Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

* Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one
ever ate them.

* Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

* Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

* Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

* Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

* The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.

* Only Heinz made beans.

* Leftovers went in the dog.

* Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

* Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

* Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

* Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

* Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.

* For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out
of old newspapers.

* Frozen food was called ice cream.

* Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

* Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

* None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

* Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

* If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.

* Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

* People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

* Indian restaurants were only found in India .

* Brunch was not a meal.

* If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same
sandwich we would have been certified

* A bun was a small cake back then.

* The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to
do with food.

* Eating outside was a picnic.

* Cooking outside was called camping.

* Seaweed was not a recognised food.

* Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday

* "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

* Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

* Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious
they would never catch on.

* The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond
comprehension.

* The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense
at all to us.

* The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash
and Pop Tarts.

* Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was
regarded as being white gold.

* Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.

* Prunes were medicinal.

* Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those
days, it was called cattle feed.

* Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

* Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever
seen a picture of a real one.

* We never heard of Croissants we certainly couldn't pronounce it,

* We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French
needed to deal with.

* Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used
to flavour food.

* Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested
bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have
become a laughing stock.

* Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.

* Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and
Botulism were all called "food poisoning."



* The one thing that we never ever had on our table in
the fifties …. elbows.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 23 Dec 2012, 2:07 pm

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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
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Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 23 Dec 2012, 4:31 pm

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 24 Dec 2012, 8:24 am

A scotsman and his ever-nagginng wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it would cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her there. The husband said he would take her home. The undertaker said "but why not bury her here in the Holy Land and save the money" The husband replied "Listen Pal, a long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead. She`s going home!!"
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mike
Dandy Owner

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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 24 Dec 2012, 5:16 pm

The 3rd "Nile" virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1949....

Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 69
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 24 Dec 2012, 6:04 pm

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jake001

Posts : 340
Join date : 2012-03-10
Age : 72
Location : Warrington

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by jake001 on Tue 25 Dec 2012, 1:36 pm

mike wrote:The 3rd "Nile" virus is coming. I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1949....

Virus Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too)
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that)
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh no, not again)
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that)
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (OH HECK, NOW WHAT?)

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

I think tha

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Re: Only clean jokes please

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