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Only clean jokes please

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mike
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Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 29 Dec 2012, 12:37 pm

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

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Caz1960

Posts : 1716
Join date : 2011-09-04
Age : 57
Location : Cardigan west wales

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Mon 31 Dec 2012, 1:23 pm

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Caz1960

Posts : 1716
Join date : 2011-09-04
Age : 57
Location : Cardigan west wales

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Sat 12 Jan 2013, 11:44 pm


The true meaning of “mounted Police”!




'Use the tazer, Mick!



For CHRIST'S SAKE use the frekkin' tazer!'


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HIDEHI

Posts : 152
Join date : 2012-07-28
Age : 66
Location : Anglesey

the fight started jokes are

Post by HIDEHI on Sun 13 Jan 2013, 12:58 am

BRILLIANT cheers lol! lol!
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Tow Itch
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Location : Leigh Gtr Manchester

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Sat 19 Jan 2013, 9:28 am

More Horses

Mum, Daddy!

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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Sat 19 Jan 2013, 9:45 am

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Owd Lad

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Age : 64
Location : Kirkcudbright

Winter Fuel Payments

Post by Owd Lad on Sat 19 Jan 2013, 11:53 am

WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel payments. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I 'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel Allowance payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn 't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel Allowance cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

Steve
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mike
Dandy Owner

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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 19 Jan 2013, 12:10 pm

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie


I dont like car boot sales
cant stand night clubs
dont drink
dont want a tatoo
and dont gamble

Hope Nancy understands the only option you left me with lol!
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 19 Jan 2013, 1:15 pm

Beckham gets into a cab, and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror, after about 5 minutes, the driver says, ok give me a clue ...... Bex says, I had a glittering career at Man U, played in America and also got over 100 caps for England, is that enough? Driver says , no you thick sod "where you going?" .....
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 22 Jan 2013, 4:10 pm

Can you use a mouse

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 25 Jan 2013, 1:48 pm

I was at the gym the other day talking with my personnel trainer when this absolutely gorgeous lady walked in,i said to the trainer quick tell me which machine i could use to impress her the most,he looked me up and down and said try the cash machine in the lobby.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 30 Jan 2013, 7:06 am

Little Johnny's sister
Little Johnny's sister - Oh No! He has a sister?
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!" Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really, small was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty." Mum fainted.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 05 Feb 2013, 2:38 pm


BEING ASSERTIVE.


A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House".
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on I’m running this show, and my word’ll be law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you’ll serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you’re going upstairs with me, and we’ll have any kind of sex that I choose ! Afterwards, you’re going to run me a relaxing bath. You’ll wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ?".
The wife replied, "The undertaker would be my first guess !".
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Tow Itch
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Location : Leigh Gtr Manchester

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Wed 06 Feb 2013, 12:00 pm

Remember being young and liberal. (with a small l)
This would probably be burned on the altar of political correctness now



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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 09 Feb 2013, 5:19 am

THE CARING GRANDFATHER

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I dont know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. . . The little sh*t's name is Kevin."
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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Sat 09 Feb 2013, 7:38 pm


Down At The Bar



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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologised and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
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Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 10 Feb 2013, 5:39 pm

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 11 Feb 2013, 5:58 pm

Anyone know what I can do with 100 boxes of Tesco burgers I've been saddled with?

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Just got a batch of 200 Tesco beef burgers cheap, it only cost me a Pony.

Just checked my Tesco Burgers in the fridge.....and they're off!

Prices are going through the hoof in my area.

Reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar.

Trouble is, now people beginning to question the content of Tesco's finest new extra long sausages.

New kids food found in budget supermarket ……..My Lidl pony.

Had a Tesco burger the other day but it gave me the trots.

Tesco are expecting burger sales to go down initially......but not furlong.

Apparently they've refused to name their mane supplier.

Tesco PR department having a night mare………….

Is it a coincidence that 'hamburgers' is an anagram of Shergars Bum?

Tesco scored highly in a recent Gallop Poll
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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Tue 12 Feb 2013, 8:05 pm

I found this accidentally a few weeks ago. You mean to look for 15 minutes and ages pass.
Never too big a fan of American humour but the sketches on here are brilliant and varied.
Don't know if I can You tube copy but the site is here. [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]


As a starter. This links to you tube and the video channel not the SMBC page.



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Link to best of

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mike
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Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 13 Feb 2013, 4:28 pm

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need fifty million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL Very Happy
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 19 Feb 2013, 2:32 pm

I heard that if you play a Windows instillation CD backwards you get some sort of satanic message.

But the even more frightening thing is that if you play it forward it installs Windows!
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 01 Mar 2013, 12:41 pm


A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you both off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me.

“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?'

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 02 Mar 2013, 4:42 am

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the
pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four
drinks, he'll buy the fifth."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "that's not bad, but at my local in London , the
Red Lion, the guv'nor will buy you your third drink after you buy the
first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my
favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when
you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets
laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to
you?"

"Well not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times.."
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mike
Dandy Owner

Posts : 5172
Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 03 Mar 2013, 1:47 pm

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches
into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal
a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,
replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great
shout go up outside, followed by an even greater
shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the
chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time
with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

Wait for it





We'll have a new one."
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Tow Itch
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Location : Leigh Gtr Manchester

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Mon 04 Mar 2013, 6:02 pm

No not very clean lots of naughty words. Though it features the antics of people who make you use naughty words.
So I've altered the title and you have the choice to enter or not. [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

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Re: Only clean jokes please

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