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Only clean jokes please

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 11 Mar 2013, 1:08 pm

Just been sent this when i looked i thought oh yes thats old but i still enjoyed it



Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Mon 11 Mar 2013, 2:19 pm


We are visiting Amazons review section again.

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:33 pm

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this,
> there really is no need for pictures....
>
> "We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
>
>
> We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
>
> Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, .
>
> Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
>
> Although inexperienced, she approached every
> change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair
>
> As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
>
> Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.
>
> She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
> ""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."
>
> This novel is only for sale in New Zealand , Wales , and certain parts of Derbyshire.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:35 pm

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs wide apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....


and what did you think was happening
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 14 Mar 2013, 1:02 pm

Nancy and i were walking along cleethorpes seafront this morning when we heard an almighty argument between an elderly lady and her husband , the next thing the hubby started hitting his wife and then she started hitting him back , not wanting to get involved with the domestic we looked on in horror has they continued beating hells bells out of each other. then a copper came to break it up and started to hit the old chap on the head with his truncheon, his wife then snatched the truncheon off the plod and started hitting him over his head,it was an awful site there where crowds of children there watching.The next thing we knew a crocodile came along and grabbed the sausages and a voice shouted that's the way to do it.
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Coffee1

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Technical support ;-)

Post by Coffee1 on Mon 18 Mar 2013, 12:35 pm

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.

I can only give credit to the person who's fb account this originated from ~ Mike Hubber
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 23 Mar 2013, 5:12 pm

Cyprus cash machine


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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 02 Apr 2013, 2:11 pm

*It's a good exercise **even if you are not 50** yet.** **

**Pass to all 50 yrs. And older*




*Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise**
**

**The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into
our daily routine. *

*This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle
mass**.**
**
**If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more
repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
may be too strenuous for some. *

*Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise*

* program!*




*




**Scroll Down . **
**


**



















































**
**












**NOW SCROLL UP.. **
**
**That's enough for the first day. Great job.*









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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 08 Apr 2013, 1:20 pm

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? 'Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?



A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'



'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,''That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'



A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.''Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact wordsthat were used to put the curse on you. 'The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City? 'The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'



Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion. 'Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.



A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used insurgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.



The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there"!
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 09 Apr 2013, 2:44 pm

Tommy. a squaddy from Tidworth, took a pair of stuffed dogs that he had found one night in a skip outside the local pub to the 'Antiques Roadshow' that was being held in Basingstoke.
"Oh my goodness!" declared the normally unimpressed taxidermy expert, "This is very rare; to find on the open market one dog produced by the celebrated London taxidermist, Peter Spicer, who operated there in the late 19th century is very rare indeed. But to find a matched pair - that is quite unheard of. Spicer was very well known in Victorian times, he even stuffed things for Queen Victoria! Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"


"Sticks?" our hero asked.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 10 Apr 2013, 4:30 pm

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.


'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 08 May 2013, 2:16 pm

Why Male Elk Have Long Antlers
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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'It's a guy thing,
Regardless of Species.'

Sometimes they just gotta be scratched...............
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 08 May 2013, 2:20 pm

I have a question if this is a school bus in Japan

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And this is a school bus in India

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Why is my computer help desk in India
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sun 26 May 2013, 2:50 pm

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jake001

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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by jake001 on Sun 26 May 2013, 10:42 pm

Darwin was right What a Face
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 06 Jun 2013, 5:28 pm

Poor Lance Armstrong

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated

Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7

Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.



Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more …..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.


A man goes into smiths and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men
with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 17 Jun 2013, 11:18 am

I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!  He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........

but they kind of taste like peppermint.








If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?




        A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

        A passing tramp stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

        The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

        The tramp turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
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Caz1960

Posts : 1716
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Age : 57
Location : Cardigan west wales

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Tue 09 Jul 2013, 10:50 pm

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..
‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.
‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 30 Jul 2013, 2:32 pm

I thought you’d want to know about this new e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot eradicate this one. It appears to affect people born prior to 1965.



Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

That one too!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

Oh no, not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.."

I hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

Oh No!



IT’S CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm...

Have I already posted this or did someone else

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Caz1960

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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Thu 19 Sep 2013, 11:38 pm

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Phoenix
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Phoenix on Fri 20 Sep 2013, 9:30 pm

 

You been out with your camera again Caz nos?
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Caz1960

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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Fri 20 Sep 2013, 11:21 pm

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Caz1960

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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Sun 29 Sep 2013, 11:33 pm

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Sir Henry

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Join date : 2013-04-23

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Sir Henry on Fri 11 Oct 2013, 3:35 am

One day little Johnny comes home from school, but his mother notices that he is somewhat distracted and just wanders from room to room and refusing to discuss his obvious problems with her. When his father comes home from work she imparts her worries to her husband and recommends that he have 'a quiet man to man' chat with him. After much cajoling Johnny admits that he has had sex with three of his teachers that day.
"Three?" the father ask incredulously.
"yes, dad: One during morning assembly, the second during lunch break and the last during RI".
"Well," replies the father "this calls for a celebration. To think that my firstborn son - only 14 - and having sex with not one, not two but actually three of his teachers! And in the same day!!"
"just sit there for a moment" he continues "and I'll break out a cigar and a whisky for you."
"No thanks dad" responds the boy "I'd rather not sit down ... my bum still hurts too much."

Also

Never have sex with a pig.

It'll squeal on you every time.

Or

Why are prostitutes superior to lawyers?

There are some thing no prostitute will do no matter how much money is on the table!

And finally

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple Scotch which he downs in one gulp. He orders a second which is polished off as quickly. By the count of ten the bartender can hold back his curiosity any further and asks "What's the celebration, pal?"

"Just had o*hic*al sheksh for the firsht time" says the man.

"In that case" says the bartender "have another on me."

"I don't fink sho" slurs the man "If it'sh not wo ...work*hic* worrked to tek th' tasht away by now then one more shoor won't help*hic* *burp*."

hannah3dog

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Join date : 2012-07-26

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by hannah3dog on Fri 11 Oct 2013, 4:55 pm

Woman in bath, husband walks in. If there was anything you could change about your body after all these years what would it be. Well says she, I'd have liked bigger breasts. Man hands her two pieces of toilet paper and suggests she rub it between her breasts once or twice a day. What difference is that going to make she exclaims? Well its worked on your backside hasn't it!

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Re: Only clean jokes please

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