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Only clean jokes please

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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Thu 21 Nov 2013, 12:24 pm

I don't know if you class this as humour or social commentary. Perhaps it is both.

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I have no words of comment. Possibly a first for me.

There is a whole list of these R.I.P. features:

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 03 Feb 2014, 11:14 am

Not USA political comment just something a mate sent me




Ah, the joys of living in the good old USA!!!








Health Care

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy
from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for
these expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."


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Tow Itch
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Location : Leigh Gtr Manchester

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Fri 21 Feb 2014, 12:46 pm

It Pays To Have Manners


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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 28 Feb 2014, 3:14 pm

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest

apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,

and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Best regards
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Tow Itch
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Location : Leigh Gtr Manchester

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Fri 28 Feb 2014, 5:17 pm

Problems With Understanding Punctuation?

Don't Try To Read The News From Autocue Then!


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Hopefully a limited audience for this one.


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Not the place to take a day off from?

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 10 Mar 2014, 6:38 am

Retired sex

[]


Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'


'Pension sex?' 'Yeah, you know.

I get a little each month but not enough to live on!'



LOUD SEX


A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'


[]


'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is'.
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'



QUIET SEX




Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and

asks his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'




[]
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Caz1960

Posts : 1716
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Age : 57
Location : Cardigan west wales

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Sun 13 Apr 2014, 2:14 pm

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Caz1960

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Location : Cardigan west wales

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Caz1960 on Sun 13 Apr 2014, 2:16 pm

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Fri 30 May 2014, 4:01 pm

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3.. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchorwoman from Tyne Tees who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Mon 02 Jun 2014, 7:34 pm

Ever worked on the shop floor for a company where the oiks can't possibly have a good idea?

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Sat 07 Jun 2014, 5:16 pm

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No comment
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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Tue 12 Aug 2014, 1:05 am

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the ****in' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful..'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a pi$$!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger wobbly bits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****in' beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ****in' business.
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mike
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Join date : 2011-06-12
Age : 68
Location : north east lincs

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 02 Oct 2014, 6:48 am



Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ........



Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.




And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
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jake001

Posts : 340
Join date : 2012-03-10
Age : 71
Location : Warrington

Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by jake001 on Mon 06 Oct 2014, 5:19 pm

I thought this was for jokes Mike not "what I did this week" Wink

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