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Only clean jokes please

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 5:23 pm

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 5:25 pm

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

"You know, woman to woman."

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 5:27 pm

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 5:28 pm

Eilis wrote:One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

"You know, woman to woman."


It has been pointed out to me man was made first,but god claimed she was only practising
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 14 Jul 2011, 4:54 pm

Not a joke look at the first picture read the story then look at the second picture.

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Just outside Flagstaff, AZ, on U.S. Hwy 100.

In the picture above, note that this driver broke through

the guard rail at the right side of the culvert. The pick-up

crashed through the guard rail at about 75 mph.

It flipped end-over-end, bounced off and across the culvert outlet,
and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert,
facing opposite the direction it was originally traveling.

The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger
were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.



Now look at the second picture below...

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Thu 14 Jul 2011, 5:01 pm

affraid
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Keith

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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Keith on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 10:24 am

A friend sent me this;

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Made me smile anyway.
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Helen
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Helen on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 10:31 am



One for the ladies now


What doe's it mean if you have a male gasping for breath in your bed


















You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 10:32 am

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 10:43 am

A man gets married for the first time aged 50,after there wedding night in bed he says your the first women i have ever slept with,that's nice to hear she says,true he replies the rest kept me awake all night having sex affraid
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Keith

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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Keith on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 3:05 pm

The definitive guide to Dandy maintenance;

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Last edited by Keith on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 11:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 5:18 pm

Keith

Great one.

Almost as good as "Assembly Is A Reversal Of The Above Process"

Except Haynes publishing have stolen a living out of their phrase for the last 46 years.

Kevin.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 8:42 am

You think English is easy?


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

Cool A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 8:46 am

The farmer was sowing his field with seeds,

His wife was sewing a dress,

They were both ?????

Try putting the correct word in there Very Happy
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 8:52 am

The Wife is a porn star on the internet.










Tell you what though, she'll be mad when she finds out!





















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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 8:55 am

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 9:05 am

Why is a dog better than a wife


1. The later you are, the more pleased and excited your dog is to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things lying around on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them or give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs dont mind riding in the back of a van.



And last, but certainly not least:



14. If a dog leaves, it won't claim half of your house!



***Ultimate Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you.

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 9:10 am

Male Date-Drug
(be sure to watch the video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females..

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here:






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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 9:13 am

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.



The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.



See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.



Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the
gator.



Please Note



Not for the squeamish
see below































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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 10:44 am

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.




What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...


Today you voted.' jocolor
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 10:46 am

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you listen to them.
>
>
> 2. Change is inevitable, except of course from a vending machine.
>
>
> 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
>
>
> 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
>
>
> 5. The 50-50-90 rule:
> Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
>
>
> 6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,
> five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
>
>
> 7. The things that come to those who wait will usually be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
>
>
> 8. The shin bone is a device used for finding furniture in a dark room.
>
>
> 9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
>
>
> 10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't creative enough to get out of jury duty.



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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 2:38 pm

My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,



' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
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My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week..'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'' THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
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My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! A week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
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My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
I don't remember much about what happened next




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My condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable , I should eventually make a full recovery.







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vickoir
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by vickoir on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 5:37 pm

mike wrote:The farmer was sowing his field with seeds,

His wife was sewing a dress,

They were both ?????

Try putting the correct word in there Very Happy

busy
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 5:42 pm

vickoir wrote:
mike wrote:The farmer was sowing his field with seeds,

His wife was sewing a dress,

They were both ?????

Try putting the correct word in there Very Happy

busy

Someone's sharp today Very Happy
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vickoir
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by vickoir on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 5:46 pm

mike wrote:
vickoir wrote:
mike wrote:The farmer was sowing his field with seeds,

His wife was sewing a dress,

They were both ?????

Try putting the correct word in there Very Happy

busy

Someone's sharp today Very Happy

haha is that right i was just guessing lol Laughing

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Re: Only clean jokes please

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