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Only clean jokes please

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 5:49 pm

vickoir wrote:
mike wrote:
vickoir wrote:
mike wrote:The farmer was sowing his field with seeds,

His wife was sewing a dress,

They were both ?????

Try putting the correct word in there Very Happy

busy

Someone's sharp today Very Happy

haha is that right i was just guessing lol Laughing


No that's not right its which option sewing or sowing ?
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vickoir
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by vickoir on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 6:31 pm

thats what i get for trying to be clever Wink
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 6:34 pm

vickoir wrote:thats what i get for trying to be clever Wink


Good answer though Very Happy
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 11:57 am

When I were a boy, Mum would sent me down to t'corner store with 2 shillings, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes,
two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now. Too many bloody' security cameras."
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:02 pm

Why does it take 100 million male sperms to fertilize one egg?










Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:04 pm

A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.

The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That's because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:06 pm

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
Alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
“ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?


Last edited by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:06 pm

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:09 pm

The benefits of being a man



A five day holiday requires one overnight bag

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat

Queues for the bathroom don't exist

You can open all your own jars

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at everyone where someone's crying


You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around

You can go to the bathroom without a support group

When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

You never have to clean a toilet

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes

You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week

Sex means never worrying about your reputation

If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend

You don't have to shave below your neck

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy backside every night

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices

You can write your name in the snow

Biological clock?

Chocolate is just another snack

Flowers fix everything

You never have to worry about other people's feelings

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours

Reverse parking is easy

Foreplay is optional

Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows

Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe

You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you encourage them.

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You don't give a rat's !!! if no-one notices your new haircut

You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.

You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe

The whole world is your urina

One mood, all the time

Same work, more pay!

Grey hair and wrinkles add character

The remote control is yours and yours alone

No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends, and they won't try and work out what the problem is

Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to it

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood

Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger

Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries

Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so....., notice anything different?"

Your mates never say "Well if you don't know what you did wrong, I'm certainly not telling you."

Your mates never say "Talk to me"

Life will go on if the bedsheets don't get changed once in a while.

Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a T-shirt

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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:11 pm

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )














----------------------------------------------------------

The answer is: "A Last Name."

Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:17 pm

Genuine warnings found on products

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.

On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets.

On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defence:
May irritate eyes.

On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair.

On a push along lawn mower:
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.

On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:35 pm

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?


Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

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It's because she smells like a new car!
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:45 pm

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an
investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,"
he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 27 Jul 2011, 5:08 pm

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 27 Jul 2011, 5:10 pm

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 27 Jul 2011, 5:16 pm

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]



Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in you r favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Wed 27 Jul 2011, 5:27 pm

The Human Body!

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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Thu 28 Jul 2011, 5:58 pm

Latest on the phone hacking scandal


Rupert Murdoch says he has been touched by all the messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone.
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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Thu 28 Jul 2011, 11:11 pm


Dear All

With regard to Amy Winehouse's funeral.
Many were surprised by Sir Elton John showing up to do the music.
I hear he did his slightly less well known "Candle Under The Spoon"

Kevin.
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Tow Itch
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Tow Itch on Thu 28 Jul 2011, 11:24 pm

Dear All

Amy made her way up to the pearly gates and was quite surprised to be ushered up ahead of quite a large crowd.
Upon seeing St Peter she asked. "St Peter I can't believe I've lead what could be described as a virtuous life. Yet here am I ushered up to the gates while others wait. Please St Peter this is the kingdom of heaven don't tell me something so transient as fame could mean I've been treated better than these others?"
St Peter replied " Worry not my child all your earthly concerns are behind you now"
Amy "Thank you Saint Peter, what is the queue"
Peter. " Aw were just a bit hard pressed for Norwegian Translators at the moment"
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mike
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by mike on Tue 02 Aug 2011, 10:18 am

And thats when the fight started


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

_______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

_______________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 02 Aug 2011, 4:34 pm

Resumes


Taken from Actual Resumes and Cover Letters
–Fortune Magazine

“I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.”

“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

“Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”

“Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

“Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”

“It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

“Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Marital status: often. Children: various.”

“The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”

“Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

“References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 02 Aug 2011, 4:38 pm

Why Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Travel


Actual stories from travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she sked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the assport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response was “click”.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while “I looked into it,” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

A woman called to make reservations. “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 02 Aug 2011, 4:41 pm

Actual 911 Calls


Caller: “I’d like to make a unanimous complaint, so don’t use my name.”

Caller: “I’m reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it.”
Call-taker: “Is the deer alive?”
Caller: “Oh, no, it’s run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!”

Caller: “Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?”

Caller: “We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough).”

Caller: “Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?”

Caller: (irate) “That’s ‘W’ as in Williams and ‘Y’ as in why.”

Caller (on realizing the police are on the way): “Get the keg outta here, dude!”

Caller: “He’s not breathing!”
Call-taker: “Can you get the phone close to him?
Caller: “WHY? You want to hear he’s not breathing, too?”

Call-taker: “Does she have any weapons?”
Caller: “Well, she has real long finger nails.”

Call-taker: “We’ll need a description of him.”
Caller: “He’s a lawyer.”

Caller: “No, she just didn’t fall…I helped her!”

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
Call-taker: “What is your address?”
Caller: “It’s gone.”

Caller: “I’m scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there’s writing on my wall and I can’t get it off… this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!
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Eilis
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Re: Only clean jokes please

Post by Eilis on Tue 02 Aug 2011, 4:43 pm

Top Ten Ten Rules of Dieting


If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)
1.When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
2.When you eat with someone else, your calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
3.Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
4.If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
5.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren’t real.
6.When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting.
7.Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
8.Foods that are the the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.)
9.Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.
10.Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation. For example: Pork Bar-B-Q has no fat or calories on all legal holidays in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

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Re: Only clean jokes please

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